Calaveras County Cackles

OK! Here's our new leading candidate for Chinstroker of the Year Award.

"You can't tell how far a frog will jump until you punch him."

What the hell was she thinking about? Who will she say was "on my mind" this time? Bush's favorite schoolboy recreational pasttime (blowing up frogs)? Mark Twain? Yet another fairy tale?

Did she mean punch? Or push? Or poke? (Or kiss?)

Who's the frog -- Her? Obama? Bill? The DNC? The voters?

Can't wait until we hear the inevitable "clarification." This oughta be good.

Au Revoir, Newspapers

When your favorite newspaper disappears , both in print and online, how will you personally be affected? How will your life be different? How will you stay informed? Will it matter?

Never mind next year. Let's talk about now. How and where do you find your news? TV? Newspapers? Magazines? Websites?

How has that changed from a year ago? Five years ago? Ten years ago?

How do you envision news coverage in 2020?

A Joke

So a woman, a Black guy, and an old white guy walk into a bar... Bartender says, ...

Oh, you've heard this already? Never mind.

A Flash of Inspiration

I've always been fascinated by inventors, especially everyday folk who invent everyday gizmos -- stuff that the average idiot could've thought of, but didn't. Or, more likely, did, but didn't do anything about, other than fantasize winning the (fictive) patent lottery. In reality, nobody is ever going to buy just an idea -- not for a million dollars, not for a dollar. You've heard the expression: "Ideas are a dime a dozen." When it comes to inventions, truer words were never spoken.

I've interviewed tons of inventors for magazine articles -- ordinary men and women who did make a gazillion dollars on their brainchildren. They come from all walks of life, but their common denominator is that they did not license or sell their idea or their patent; rather, they manufactured, sold and distributed the item themselves. In other words, they built a solid business, sold (or licensed) the actual product (not the idea), and eventually cashed in by selling the successful business for multiples of earnings.

The other quality the inventors shared was perseverance in the face of adversity. They are first and foremost entrepreneurs. In every single instance, getting their invention to market was a steep uphill battle, fraught with unexpected setbacks and disappointments at every turn, with most of their naysaying family and friends encouraging them to abandon their cockamamie schemes. To a person, they all declare that, if they had known going in how much time and energy and resources it would ultimately take, they never would have taken that first step -- but, having reached the summit, they're glad they did.

I've had the privilege of researching and writing magazine profiles about the brains behind a variety of clever innovations, ranging from the inventor of the board game Boggle in New York to the inventor of the Weedeater lawn trimmer in Houston. And now one of my best friends, Ken Kobre in San Francisco, has joined the pantheon of great inventors, with the extraordinary success of his Lightscoop -- an ingenious camera accessory that easily and inexpensively enables photographers to dramatically improve the quality of their flash pictures.

As with all inventors, the path to riches was long and arduous, requiring years of intensive research and development. I witnessed innumerable versions and variations on the journey from the drawing board to the working models to the final product. It turned out to be a relatively simple concept that took years of engineering to perfect. (Even after it hit the marketplace to rave reviews and glowing consumer feedback, it is still going through constant evolution and improvement.)

But even once you have a product, your woes are just beginning. Manufacturing, packaging, order fulfillment, advertising, promotion -- opportunities for failure abound. Success can be elusive and rare. Despite long odds, Ken -- in partnership with his stalwart wife, the brilliant Betsy Brill -- scaled the mountaintop. Their Lightscoop is undeniably a valuable contribution to the field of photography, and millions of pictures will be the better for it.

Oy

Meshugah

Show Me the Money

Now that a federal appeals court has ruled that our paper currency discriminates against blind people, what would be the fastest, easiest, least expensive way to remedy that situation -- without creating a whole new set of problems?

Some countries use different size bills for each denomination. If we do that, what else will be impacted? For starters, all those vending machines that take paper currency will have to be retooled or replaced.

What would be the cost of imprinting cash with Braille? What measures would need to be taken to prevent those raised bumps from wearing out too quickly?

If the solution were left up to you -- if you had to devise the best way to alter paper currency so that blind people could identify each denomination -- what would you do?

Coolest. Thing. Ever.

Or at least the best seven minutes you'll spend today, guaranteed. Stay with it; it just gets better and better as it goes along. You're welcome.

Go Fly A Kite

I'm the dad who refuses to buy his kid videogames. No PS3, Wii, Xbox in our household. Difficult to say this without sounding priggish and self-righteous, but frankly I find them abhorrent.

I see my son's pals congregating, with nary a word of conversation between them, individually blam-blamming some onscreen arch-enemy, for hours at a time. Group solitaire -- no social interaction whatsoever. I pick up his friends to take them for a hike or a ball game, and the minute these kids get into the car, without even saying hello they pull out one of these godforsaken games -- which I confiscate immediately.

I shudder at the thought of my son turning into one of these mindless zombies. Other parents kvetch that they can't tear their kids away from their violent screens -- the ones which they have purchased for them. By now they know how I feel, and I obviously can't prevent or even dissuade them from raising a generation of dolts. But I can vote with my wallet, and will not purchase this overpriced mind-numbing crap. Consider my son deprived.

Today we bought a pair of colorful kites, $2.99 each at the supermarket, took them to the park, and spent a joyous hour running around, getting them to sail higher and higher and higher. Ours were the only kites visible against the clear blue sky. All the other kids in the park didn't even notice them. On this sunny, breezy day, they were too busy staring at their videogames.

Obama & Israel

For those concerned that Sen. Obama won't support Israel, look no further than Thomas L. Friedman's New York Times column today.

He cites several incendiary pro-Palestinian, anti-Israel quotes attributed to Obama, the kind that legitimately worry Jews. Trouble is, they were actually uttered by none other than Pres. Bush.

A true pro-Israel president, Friedman argues, is one who will make America strongest, and best able to support Israel. "Nothing would imperil Israel more than an enfeebled, isolated America."

Clearly Friedman feels Obama is that person.

If Israel is your voting priority, then at least ask the right questions about Mr. Obama. Knock off the churlish whispering campaign about what’s in his heart on Israel and focus first on what kind of America you think he’d build and second on whether you believe that as president he’d have the smarts, steel and cunning to seize a historic opportunity if it arises.

Don't Tell Anyone How You Did It

Thoroughly shuffle a deck of cards. Put it back in its box. Think of any two values -- for example, a Two and a Six, or a Five and a Nine. Suits don't matter, just the numbers (or Jacks, Queens, Kings, Aces). Now rest the card box on your left hand, and put your right hand on top of it. Concentrate on your two cards, and then... Squeeze! Really hard!

OK, lift your right hand. Open the card box. Carefully take out the cards. Spread through them. Did you succeed in squeezing your two thought of cards together, so that they're right next to each other? Spread through the whole deck to make sure. If not, you probably came close, and they're separated by no more than one or two cards. Shuffle 'em up good and try again. It'll probably work the next time. Squeeze a little harder! Practice makes perfect!

Stop the Presses!

What's news? According to CNN, here are the top stories, as we speak:

Chemist gets life for hubby's acid vat murder
Plane lands atop another taking off
Racy ads encourage safe sex for pets
Boy, 5, swipes, wrecks grandma's truck
Woman's body lies in apartment for 35 years
8 middle-schoolers expelled for sex on trip
Seacrest: Cheap shots with Cowell are real
Water is vital, but how much should you drink?

How many of these stories impact your life?
How many will you read?

Heart Cancer

Why do you never hear about heart cancer? Every other organ in the body, including the skin, can be afflicted by malignant tumors -- why not the heart?

I posed this question at breakfast this morning to some pals who are extremely bright and knowledgeable about many things, but not one had a clue about this. (Nor did I!) We all admitted it was an intriguing question, and perhaps a steppingstone to understanding why other organs DO get cancer. We all agreed that plenty of doctors and scientists must have pondered this, at much greater depth, and I'm sure that when everyone got back to their computers they Googled "heart cancer," as I just did.

And here's what I found:

The Mayo Clinic says heart cancer does exist, but is extremely rare:

Although heart tumors do occur, the vast majority are noncancerous (benign). A 20-year review of 12,487 consecutive autopsies in Hong Kong identified only seven cases of cardiac tumor — an incidence of less than 0.1 percent — most of which were benign.

A scientist on a Dept. of Energy bulletin board takes a stab at explaining why heart cancer is rare:

Cancer of the heart muscle called angiosarcoma do occur but are rare and occur more often in children and more often in the right side of the heart. Cancers like melanoma are known to spread to the heart. That being said, it is somewhat curious why certain tissues are less susceptible to cancer.This is typically ascribed to the belief that the more cells that are actively dividing in an organ or tissue the [more likely]* that organ or tissue will have a cancer arise in it. So skin, intestine and bone marrow which have high populations of dividing cells are more often to have a cancer arise in their cells than the heart whose muscle tissue is essentially non-dividing.

*(The citation says "less likely" but obviously means the opposite!)

And this from University of Pennsylvania's OncoLink:

Unfortunately, just like almost all the other tissues and organs, malignant tumors do occur in the heart. In addition, malignant tumors can spread to the heart from other sites (metastasis). Metastatic tumors to the heart are more prevalent than primary cardiac tumors, and the incidence is increasing as antineoplastic treatment results in longer survival .

Primary malignant tumors of the lining of the heart (pericardium) are exceedingly rare. However, tumors of the heart muscle do sometimes develop. Sarcomas are by far the most prevalent malignant tumors of the heart muscles (myocardium), angiosarcoma being the most common. Other malignant cardiac tumors that have been reported in the literature include rhabdomyosarcomas, mesotheliomas, fibrosarcomas, malignant fibrous histiocytomas, and lymphomas. Establishing the diagnosis of a cardiac malignancy is sometimes difficult because of their nonspecific clinical presentation. Surgery is the treatment of choice for most primary malignant cardiac tumors. Because the resection is often incomplete due to the extent and invasiveness of the tumor, radiation therapy can be used in conjunction with surgical resection. In general, the prognosis of a cardiac malignant tumor is poor.

So now you know! But now I wonder what other organs and tissues have low cancer rates, and why.

More Words to Hang By

Who knows what these mean, but here are a half dozen more Hangman nuggets guaranteed to make your opponent swing in the wind. Take it from a guy with a sore neck!

whilom
interferometer
macrocephalous
adipocyte
indaba
acceptance

What's funny about "adipocyte" is that it's got nearly every vowel, even Y, and you'll still stump 'em!

And "acceptance" is such a common word, but if they don't guess C, then they better watch out! They'll be doing the Saddam shimmy!

12 Hangman Doozies

Even if you have no idea what they mean, or are unlikely to use them in daily conversation, here are a dozen great Hangman words ... as I found out the hard way!

kymatology
rumchunder
weatherometer
acatalepsy
revenant
acaricide
redintegrate
yarborough
centuple
neurolysis
juvenescent
macromania

I got to wondering about Hangman strategies, and Googling around I found this and this, which emphasize math over vocabulary... I have no idea what the hell they're saying, but maybe you can decipher them?

Decipher. That's not a bad Hangman word either!

Career Day Redux

If you're wondering what happened at my son's Career Day, you can read about it here.

Dogged

How do you know when you've crossed that fine line between laudable perseverance and foolhardy stubbornness?

Especially when your decisions affect many others, at what point does personal resolve become perversely selfish?

When is it time to throw in the towel and devise a graceful exit strategy -- without having to wonder if things might have gone your way if you had stayed in the game just a little bit longer, and fought just a little bit harder?

Rights vs. Right

Just because you have the right to do it doesn't mean it's right to do it.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Career Day

I've been asked to give a presentation at my son's middle school tomorrow for Career Day.

Which career should I talk about? I've worn many hats: writer, editor, entrepreneur, Web pioneer, mediator, magician. I have had so many "careers" that, in truth, I've arguably had none.

And what can I possibly tell them, knowing that whatever jobs these kids will someday have, in 2020, don't even exist yet today. Maybe that's the lesson. Gone are the days when someone would embark on a career at 22 and retire 40-odd years later from the same field, much less the same company.

For the generation currently entering the work force, the big question when they were kids was, "What will you be when you grow up?" It should have been: "What will you DO?" We've created a generation of aspirers, not achievers. Everybody wants to be; nobody wants to do.

My daughter majors in Russian Studies in college. People ask, "Why? What kind of job can she get with that?" And: "What does she want to be?"

"She's pursuing her passion," I explain. "She's doing what she enjoys." She's doing. And maybe that's the lesson.

The Magic of Making Money

A magician entertains a street crowd by borrowing a $1 bill, giving it a few folds, and then -- a wave, a snap, and presto! -- the captivated audience gasps as he unfolds a crisp $100 bill.

But it's just an hallucination, he declares, as he origami-folds it back into the audience member's original $1 and returns it, no sign of that C-note in his empty hands.

It's a good trick, and the spectators appreciate it as such, recognizing that anybody who really had magical powers wouldn't waste them by converting Washingtons to Franklins (and back again!) sheerly for the amusement of strangers.

Or would he? Think about it. What superhuman powers would YOU like to possess that would obviate your need for money altogether? Most respond "invisibility" -- suggesting that they could procure anything they wanted illicitly because nobody could catch them!

But that would be wrong. Better to have the power to enchant one of these.

Ask Not For Whom Eight Belles Tolls

My pal Eric Estrin writes:

Hillary Clinton, in a typically shameless and pointless attempt to make political hay out of anything under the sun, has been hyping the Kentucky Derby all week because a highly regarded filly was racing against a field of males.

That wacky, fun-loving Hillary was so positive that the female horse would win, she even sent Chelsea to Louisville to place a bet and to drum up further publicity for her cause across the border in Indiana.

The filly finished second and tragically suffered two broken ankles, which caused her to be euthanized right there at the track.

The horse that finished first was a male by the name of Big Brown.

Action News at 11!

I watched a mike-wielding TV news guy, cameraman in tow, descend on a solitary diner at an outdoor table at the Farmer's Market the other day.

Two tables away, I couldn't make out the conversation, but the TV news guy looked pretty somber, and seemed to be posing earnest, hard-hitting questions.

The unsuspecting target of his interrogation was a thirtysomething scruffily bearded guy who seemed nonchalant but accomodating of the camera and mike being shoved in his face while he was trying to eat.

After the TV guys left, my curiosity got the better of me, and so I went over to the interviewee and asked what that was all about.

"I guess they're doing a story on the rising price of rice," he explained. I noticed the remnants of a rice-and-beans side order on his plate. "They wanted to know how it affected me."

And what did he tell them?

"It didn't."